I am a planner. At the start of the new year you can usually find me in a sunny spot in the house with journals and papers and an assortment of coloured pens reflecting on the year that has passed and projecting myself into the year to come. It’s my way of tying up what has ended and looking forward to what is to come.
Not this year…not part of God’s plan. At the end of the Christmas holidays which were a riot of family and fun, my mother was unexpectedly hospitalized. I received a call in the middle of the first night from the doctor who told me my mother was in respiratory distress and I should come. My mother did not pass away that night as it turns out, but was given another twenty-four days. We both had this time to rest in each other’s presence and for this I am grateful.
Moving into acceptance feels like the opposite of planning to me. It is a much quieter place and doesn’t involve any grand schemes of what might or might not happen in the year to come. It’s about being okay with what is.
Acceptance, it turns out, is not letting me bypass grief or the visceral sense of loss deep in the cells of my body. But it is calling me back to life. Can happiness be that far away?
Pebbles and Clay 
Ohh dear Caroline, I am so so sorry for the loss of your dear mother….it is never easy…I feel your pain…Also, I have to say that o.m.gosh….you look just like your dear mom…xxo God Bless You! xxo
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Thank you, Alison. It’s hard at the moment but I have so many good memories. I was lucky to have her in my life for so long.
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So sorry to hear, Caroline. Our mothers are our first loves, the ones who carry us and care for us. When they leave us there is such a hole, one we don’t know how to fill. But you will find a way. And the memories become even more dear. All my best to you and your family.
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Thank you, Rosemary. Even though we know this day is going to come, it doesn’t make it any easier, does it?
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I miss my mom every day, but I also still love her every day. I talk, she listens…..
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I like that your mom is still so present for you. I’ll look forward to this!
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I am so sorry, Caroline, for your loss but how wonderful for her that you were with her unti the end. Somehow it brings to mind that great circle of life and how you are living that to it’s fullest right now.
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Thank you, Ellen. I’m thinking about how much harder it must be for people who are unable to be there. I knew each day where I needed to be. Showing up had it’s gifts for my mother…and me.
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It’s so difficult to live without our mother when we’ve enjoyed a long and happy life together. But at the same time, those memories are what makes it bearable and eventually acceptable, when the happy times fill our souls and pop up to help us with difficulties. xoxo Annelise
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Thanks, Annelise. Grateful that we had all this time together – more than most. Lots of time to make memories.
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I have found that grieving has it’s own timeline. You can’t go faster than what needs to be experienced. In the beginning you are immersed in it’s reality. Only want to talk about it, only want to stay in that bubble. Eventually that subsides, but not until everything you need to say, feel and think about this transition occurs. Finding peace throughout the process is valuable. Keep the candles burning. The altar beautiful. I think it’s a dual situation. As the soul of the departed moves further away the grieving lessens. Peace.
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